Transparency

“ Depressing, dejecting, disgusting”….my sons paused for a moment to catch their breath..”just when we thought our mother was the greatest writer ever “, their idol had fallen to shame, dashing their hopes of winning I pads and other inviting gizmos..”not at all impressive “ they rattled on , “hmph , not even a consolation prize in any of the contests”.
                 I bowed my head in shame , sorrow and sadness, the narcissist in me had on so many occasions given pats on my own back ,appreciating my abilities and exulting in the accomplishments. All along I had been writing on topics that seemed to come from somewhere deep within and this was one of the few instances when I had tried at writing on something which was thrust upon me. The poem for the ‘Dove contest’ came with a flourish or so I thought , I rued over it as it was unfair on  other contestants to write prose, attach beautiful images , pictures and even advertisement banners on to their entries , when all they asked us was to write a poem! My children continued where they had left off “ maybe the whole thing was fixed like the cricket matches “ they echoed in unison “ who knows”? Now I was feeling a trifle better , after all I lost not on account of my lack of creativity but for various other reasons…a bad workwoman always finds fault with her tools..somebody seemed to echo in my ears.
                     After every concert, just like how artists are hounded for autographs , I wanted to be mobbed by my fans applauding my work ,calling me a genius! I was now a wounded soldier and the little devils were rubbing in more salt ”if not the poem, atleast your essay should have won something “ the elder one was eyeing the playbook with utmost greed , the younger one sniggered and I murmured under my breath. The second attempt at the ‘Surf ‘contest too had ended in a naught , the soap bubbles had burst leaving me in a sorry state of affairs.
               The unsolicited cynicism and unwarranted comments made me to withdraw into a shell and introspect.The “indirank” statistics started to trouble me more than my own vital statistics, my rank was a good 58 at the start of my innings with ‘indiblogger’ which I considered excellent by any standards for a starter .
               Then I started waiting for the monthly ‘grades’ , I blogged as much as possible ,if and only I had worked like this for my 10 th board exams, I would have topped the charts! The results were out and my rank 65 ,went hammer and tongs over this phenomenal rise within a month feeling jubilant and ecstatic, literally over the moon!
                       But this euphoria did not last long, the next review had me slipping to 61, the lines that followed was indeed Greek and Latin to me , the moderator had suggested though my blogs were quite frequent, I did not have the necessary links, reviews and Google page ranks, desperately the next few minutes were spent in googling these words and after some time I gave up! It was like the circumstances that led to the great crash , where banks failed and stock markets had tumbled, the great recession had set in.
                     I sulked for a few days with utter distaste for myself ,deprived of motivation and topics- writers’ block had also found its way into me.I had fallen from a swashbuckling batswoman to a woefully out of form player and I knew my career had ended even before it took off or so I thought ,but hang on folks , I am the greatest optimist and hopes were steadfast and obstinate , so here I am going back to scratch , getting my basics right and not “bogged down” but “blogged up” with ferocious devotion!
                  And I took a vow not to participate in any contests , well at least till the time a new challenge is thrown up before me and the prizes look attractive to my sons!